dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
