I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize