Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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