"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
