can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize