Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
