So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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