Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
