Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
