If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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