I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
