just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
