Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
