She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize