hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
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