I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize