I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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