There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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