When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
