I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
