I met the friendliest cop last night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
