I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
