I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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