He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
