my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
