So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
