just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
