Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
