can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
