I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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