holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
