i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
