If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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