drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
