i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
