We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
