I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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