i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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