I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
