i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
