goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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