Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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