All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
