i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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