I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
