I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can you bring me the toilet please
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