I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize