so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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