i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
