Nicole vs. Life
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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