Fine. I'll sleep in my office
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
