When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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