I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Randomize
