I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
