If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
