Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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