please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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