Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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