I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
