This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
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