I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
