my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize