i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
