***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
