I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Houston, we have a blender
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
