i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
