just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
