What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
