we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
